In sea-side caves in
parts of Asia, most notably Indonesia and Thailand, there is a species of
swift, a bird, that regurgitates protein-laden mucus and fashions it into a
nest. It's been doing it for thousands of years, so unsurprisingly someone at
some point happened by and said to themselves 'Yeah, I'd eat that.' These days,
a kilo of nests can fetch thousands of dollars, with price reflecting supposed
quality, because eating a bad batch of bird mucus would just be gross. There
are two slight variations on the origin story of this, the most pointless of
foods.
In the first version there was once an emperor who was ancient, wise, kind,
powerful and really good at volleyball. He was also quite the gourmand, and was
constantly in search of new foods to sample. One day, a devoted servant made
him a soup out of this Birds Spit Soup. He tried it, said something to the tune
of 'Eh, it's pretty good I guess', and the people rejoiced by chowing down on
any Birds Spit Soup they could get their hands on.The second version involves another ancient emperor who was neither wise nor kind, but made up for it by being vicious and crazy. He too was quite the gourmand and always had servants out in search of new foods. All his cooks who failed to deliver to his exacting standards of originality and tastefulness were swiftly (and presumably tastefully) executed. One such cook, completely out of ideas but not wanting to end up like his predecessor, came across these nests one day and just tossed one into a soup as a last resort. He fearfully delivered the soup to his emperor who tried it, but then declared this birds-nest soup to be boring, just like plain old regular soup. Seeing his life flash before his eyes, the cook took this opportunity to frantically ad-lib any health benefits he could lay his mind on. To this, the emperor replied 'Oh. Why didn't you say so?' The emperor finished his soup, sighed contentedly and then declared, based on his expansive knowledge of nutrition, that the birds-nest soup did indeed have health benefits. But because the emperor was, classically speaking, a dick, he went and had everyone else who knew about this miracle food, other than the cook, killed in order to protect the knowledge. From then on, the cook would give the nesting cave's location to other servants who would go and get the nests only to be killed on their return.
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| World's Most Pointless Food: Birds Spit Soup |
And really, not a whole lot has changed since then. Harvesting the nests is still ridiculously dangerous work, done in the darkness of caves, hundreds of feet in the air, supported only with rickety bamboo scaffolds, slippery with accumulated bird crap. Falls are common – some figures put the risk of work-related death at 1 in 60. It's hard to tell though. The ridiculous amount of money to be had from nests forces most Birds Spit Soup businesses to keep an extremely low profile. They don't want to give away the location of their caves for fear of poachers and they don't want to open up their collecting teams (which always include armed guards) to bandit attacks. And it totally happens. Groups of people have literally entered into open gunfights over these freaking Birds Spit Soups. In Thailand in the 1990s, for instance, one such clash left 29 people dead. And it's not a problem that can be solved with open access either. Indonesia's Berau district tried that once, and never again. When they opened a cave to the public, the public wasted absolutely no time in going completely nuts – murder and robbery became the order of the day.
These days, a system has emerged:
Birds Spit Soup businesses bid against each other for the rights to harvest
certain caves, and harvest they do. As you can imagine, tearing down a nest
every time it makes one can get discouraging for the bird, and most swifts will
give up after two or three attempts a year at starting a family, which isn't
great news for the population of the species. Whittling away at the population
of an animal isn't anything new though. What's slightly more intriguing in this
often happens in national parks. So just how much damage is being done to the
Swift populations here? Who knows. When government forestry officials come by
to do their job, they're flat out told to piss off. However, the guards are
somewhat less considerate to locals, tourists and any other passer by, and are
known for having a tendency to shoot people on sight, simply for accidentally
drifting a bit too close to their cave islands.
So what's it all about then?
What's the deal with the actual food? That bird phlegm must taste
incredible, and those health benefits must be amazing, right? Well, that
depends on who you ask. Purveyors of Birds Spit Soup are insistent that it's
definitely good for you. Of course, it has a rejuvenating, anti-aging effect
(because honestly, what miracle food doesn't?) and it has a whole set of other
benefits, each more impressively vague than the last, culminating with
“Previous clinical researches have concluded that Birds Spit Soup has a sweet
and calm character.” Oh good. Clinically shown to have a sweet and calm
character. Maybe the next phase of this “clinical researches” can be dedicated
to establishing whether adding tomato to a sandwich makes the bread feel
insecure. The one thing all Birds Spit Soup vendors agree on is that the stuff
is definitely good for the libido... which would be slightly more impressive if
there was a single ancient Chinese remedy that wasn't meant to improve your sex
life.Ok, let's set aside the semi-literate Birds Spit Soup hawkers, and instead see what people have actually concluded about the health benefits of Birds Spit Soup. Well, so far, they've concluded that edible Birds Spit Soups definitely exist, either do or do not have health benefits, and may or may not kill you. Applying a swift dose of common sense, one can safely assume that even if the stuff did have health benefits, one would need to knock back about a dozen bowls of this stuff a day, and given how much it costs, that's a tall order. And even if you do, it's not like you're going to enjoy your meal. At best, the nests "taste of nothing whatsoever." At worst, they probably taste like a feathery urinal. People die for it, it's outrageously expensive, it has no proven health benefits and it is one of the more objectively nasty foods out there. It has absolutely nothing going for it. It truly is the world's post pointless food. A more informative person than I, however, might have mentioned that most nests these days come from fairly safe and sustainable bird houses, but you'll have to find that person and get them to mention it, because I didn't.
The Dangers Of Bleached Edible Birds Spit Soups
Whilst pure edible Birds
Spit Soups are rich in nutrients with health promoting properties for the human
body, its high market value means that there is a type of “black market” of the
same product but a much lower quality version. Improper cleaning reduces the
nutrient content and poses a real threat to consumers.
As edible Birds Spit Soups are a natural product it is only to be expected
that there will be certain impurities, i.e., feathers, vegetation, sand etc
which require a careful cleaning process to ensure that these imperfections are
not transmitted to the consumer. However, to reduce costs, many manufacturers
do not carry out an ethical cleaning process to the desired standard.The traditional method requires removing the feathers using a floatation technique that involves vegetable oils. At the same time, use of bleaching agents was also adopted and as mentioned previously, this stripped the nests of their nutritive qualities so an alternative formula that involves dissolution of the nest, filtration and freeze drying was researched to replace the traditional method. This new procedure is more cost effective so the aim is to pass the saved expense to the consumer, leveling out the market’s playing field.
But what happens if corners are cut and instead of following procedure, they simply bleach the Birds Spit Soups? How can you differentiate between a pure Birds Spit Soup and the fake kind? And what is the government currently doing to prevent the widespread market of contaminated products?
Contaminants and Government Policy
At this time there are many conflicting regulations and guidelines with
regards edible Birds Spit Soup production and this has provoked a situation in
which a mind blowing 90% of these traders do not operate with a valid license
or comply with the approved cleaning process.Those who insist on chemical bleached Birds Spit Soups run the risk of introducing highly toxic substances that can cause cancer. The most used chemicals used are H202, S02 and S03.
Not only do consumers have to be concerned about bleached Birds Spit Soups, but of those deceitful traders who would scam people into purchasing artificially dyed red Birds Spit Soups as many consider them to be of a higher value but in actual fact, studies show that these contain more natural contaminants than the white counterpart. The red nests are normally constructed in caves upon which the iron and other materials in the environment are absorbed
Real vs. Fake
a) The nests shouldn’t be totally white or reflective in any way.b) Natural nests vary in size and weight whereas manufactured nests are uniform.
c) Smell the nest to see if you can detect the scent of eggs. If there is no smell, the nest hasn’t been treated or only in a small dose. If you note an unpleasant smell then the nest has more than likely been chemical bleached.
d) As they are built with saliva, these strands will separate from each other when soaked in water and will be of a different length.
Preserve the industry; do NOT accept bleached Birds Spit Soups.






